...these past days were awful ones... nappeuda(bad in korean)...
i've proven my intuition correct... i had thought as much and it turned out to be true all along. (pakiramdam ko pinag uusapan ako pag wala ako)
...my efforts were all made in vain. i had, with all my heart, believed that i've been a helping hand in this household, whereas, in reality, all along was not. i was addressed as thick-faced. 'tanungin mo kung bakit ako nagpalit ng bedsheet? kasi may lumaklak(ng chuckie) dito kanina. ang kapal ng mukha(so hurtful). hindi naman kasi siya ang naglalaba ako(she...2x the hurt).'
i was really hurt... ganun pala ang tingin niya or nila... now i know.
why does it have to be said at the moment when i am not listening to any good music, naglalaptop ako kani kanina lang listening to 'dream high'. is it intended for me to hear it in the first place? the way it was said and the loudness of the voice sure wanted me to hear it. oooohhhh, i was really hurt that moment. alam ko wala naman akong karapatang mahurt, malaki na ako, i shouldn't take things said at heart kaso those things kasi are way below the belt na ansakit.
last sunday, i met with him. i had cried my heart out and he listened. i loved him more. i thought okay na ako, pag uwi ko ng haus my eyes poured nonstop to the point that i fell asleep weeping. but then again, it still is not.
ganun pla un noh, the act of serving is never enough. akala ko i am atoning for being unemployed by way of being the houseperson, making the meals, doing the laundry, going with them to fetch something, to be there when my name is called... hindi pala... natatawa ako.
money makes everything go around. money is a scary thing.
am i just being way too sensitive?
one day, i'll be leaving this place. i'll find a life of my own. i don't want to feed myself with somebody else's bread anymore.
lilipat napo ako ng bahay kapag nakakita na ako ng trabaho. mahirap makibagay kahit sabihin pang kapatid mo kasama mo. i am regarded as a burden right now... hmmm... i'm so scared....
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